Love an Addiction, which category are you in?

Love and Addiction: The Love Addicted Relationships

Many people are surprised to learn that love and addiction can actually coexist. Learn how love addicts and avoidants form addictive relationships.

Addiction is characterized by the repeated, compulsive seeking or use of a substance, behavior, or activity to reach euphoric states despite negative consequences (harmful consequences to one's individual health, mental state or social life) often accompanied by physical or psychological dependence, withdrawal syndrome and tolerance.

All addictions can easily be seen as toxic love relationships.

The alcoholic is in a relationship with alcohol; the drug addict is in a relationship with the drug. The addict is in the so-called love relationship in which the object (drug, alcohol, gambling, sex, relationship/love, etc.) of addiction becomes the focus of a person’s life. In essence, it becomes their higher power. Love addiction is no different.

Love Addiction

It’s easy to understand how love addiction is a toxic relationship. It fits well.

Love addiction is a process addiction. That is, it is behavioral. Like many addictions that are well known such as alcohol or drugs, the addiction to love is not an addiction of ingesting something to get high, but an addiction to compulsive thoughts/behaviors in an attempt to feel alive, valuable, and worthy.

Obsession and high intensity created in addictive relationships is falsely perceived as real "love." However, the reality is there is no love in love addiction. Real healthy love is never addictive and addiction is not love. "Addiction" and "Healthy/Mature love" are polar opposites of each other.

"Love" in love-addicted relationships often feels very real to addictive lovers (commonly known as love addicts)—it is the delusion or fantasy of love. Because of its obsessive and dependent nature, the relationship is immature and epitomizes s a pseudo-love relationship.

At its core, addictive love is an intimacy disorder where love addicts strongly desire and yearn for close connection and intimacy, but run from it at the same time.

Healthy Love

Love is having a feeling of comfort/warmth in one's heart for someone and knowing he/she is precious and valuable despite his/her faults (also true for love for self). Giving respect to one's partner is the minimum of love. Love is nonjudgmental. Love is absent of relying on the other person to fulfill deep internal emotional needs.

Couples who love in healthy love relationships allow each other room for growth; there is a desire for the other to grow; there is compromise, negotiation. They accept and embrace each other's individuality; and there is trust and respect present.

In healthy loving relationships, emotional intimacy is present. Healthy emotional intimacy is crucial for healthy and mature love to exist. Intimacy is a core component of healthy relationships, and is central to trust, security and feelings of safety and well-being.

The Love Addict

A love addict is not addicted to love, he is not addicted to his partner—he is addicted to his/her fantasy of whom he/she thinks his partner is or who he/she wants his partner to be.

The fantasy created in his/her mind triggers a rush of powerful “feel good” brain chemicals such as dopamine, PEA, nor-epinephrine, and serotonin … all common natural key players in the process of falling in love and sexual desires.

Love addicts experience "love relationships" involving obsession, an intense desire for reciprocation and union, emotional abandonment (real or perceived), emotional highs and lows, and excessive infatuation. Everything in their life is put on hold in service to the needs and wants of their lover.

They confuse intensity and obsession with love. They unconsciously objectify their partner. They are obsessed with getting a sexual, romantic, or relationship "fix" rather than truly connecting and relating to a real human being.

Love addicts tend to draw emotionally unavailable avoidant individuals—these two types never cease to find one another. Love addicts and avoidants seem to have radar detectors where they inevitably will be drawn to each other .

The Avoidant

The Avoidant partner is not avoidant to the love addict (as love addicts like to see it); they are avoidant of intimacy, genuine closeness and being truly known. The Avoidant is compulsively counter-dependent—emotionally unavailable, disconnected; they fear being engulfed/drowned/smothered by their love addict partner.

For the Love Addict partner, Avoidants display a thrill, charm, false power, and act out seduction maneuvers—behaviors which are often a cover up to hide themselves in order to draw their partner in.

They enter relationships with rigid walls where they will let nothing or no one in, which makes healthy relationships impossible. Behind their emotional walls hides low self-esteem and the feeling that if they become truly known (display emotional intimacy) no one would ever love, accept, and value who they are.

They are attracted to needy, dependent, and vulnerable people—the love addict. People who think for themselves, have healthy emotional boundaries, solve their own problems, and care adequately for themselves are not interesting to Avoidants.

Avoidants are also dependent, yet their dependency comes from getting “high” from the ongoing admiration (being put on a pedestal) their love addict partner gives to them, which gives them a sense of power and control.

The Love Addict and Avoidant are each as emotionally unhealthy as the other, as they are impaired in their ability to bond securely as adults. Moreover, because of their deep-rooted characteristics, no matter how clever, how smart, how physically attractive or successful, they always feel incomplete.